Potty Training Tips

To potty train, or not to potty train… that is the question. Or at least the question I will be focusing on in this particular article. Since I have had a lot of experience in potty training young children, I thought it would be beneficial to share some well-tested methods I have used. And if you have any secret tips or ideas that I have not thought of, please let me know! I want to provide as much helpful information as possible…including information I may not yet be acquainted with.

Lets first look at the “right” time to start potty training your child. First, I want you to take the time to observe your child. Are they able to have a dry diaper for at least two hours? Do they wake up in the morning with a dry diaper? And most importantly, do they show any interest in potty training? It is easiest to potty train your child when they are demonstrating both a pseudo-mastery of their bladder and showing interest in using the toilet. If your child does not seem to exhibiting either of these signs, then it is probably best to wait. I would also suggest waiting until your child is able to verbalize their needs. If they cannot communicate to you that they are wet and need a diaper change, or if they do not understand the feeling of needing to go (and subsequently cannot tell you) I would put potty training on hold. The worst possible thing you could do for your child is pressure them to use the toilet before they are ready. Unfortunately, when some children are pushed to use the toilet too early, they end up either fearful or upset when it comes time to go to the bathroom. We want this experience to be easy and natural, not forced.

A good way to practice, if your child is showing some interest in using the toilet, would be to ask them if they want to “sit on the potty” after you take their wet diaper off.  When they are done (whether or not they went to the bathroom) congratulate them and let them bask in your praise. If they do go to the bathroom, however, I would suggest giving them a sticker or some type of motivational reward. It’s not that we want to bribe them it’s more that we want them to associate going to the bathroom with something positive. We don’t want them to think of it as a negative experience, so do anything you can to make it fun! Once it becomes obvious that they prefer to have a dry diaper and potty in the toilet, I would start taking them to the bathroom every half hour.  If they can go a day or two without too many accidents (I would say three or less), I would then try putting them in underwear.  When your child is in underwear, I would take them to the bathroom every fifteen to twenty minutes. I realize that this may sound ridiculous, but it works! Designate a weekend to potty training your child, and by Monday they should be almost accident-free.

Now if your child is able to hold their urine for almost two hours during the day, but they have difficulty making it through the night with a dry diaper, take a step back to assess the situation. Are they ingesting too many liquids before bedtime? Are they eating a lot before bedtime? Or do they wake up in the middle of the night because of a wet diaper? Each of these have fairly simple solutions, it just depends on what your child is experiencing. If they are having too many fluids, simply start to cut down over the course of a week and allow them to have water or milk about an hour to two hours before bedtime. This same idea applies to food- just make sure that they are not eating too much before they go to sleep, as it can cause them to have a bowel movement during the night (a very unwanted incident if you are transitioning them into underwear).  Lastly, if your child is one to wake up in the middle of the night, I would make sure that they are able to signal you that they need to use the bathroom. When a child wakes up in the middle of night, nine times out of ten it is right before they go potty. So make sure that when your child wakes up, you are able to help take them to the toilet. I know it sounds rough, but trust me, it will go by fast, and it will help prevent messy accidents and unnecessary laundry.

I just want to throw this out there, because once again, there is no such thing as a foolproof method when it comes to children- these ideas may not work. If they do not work right away, just give them time. If your child is not ready to use the toilet please don’t push them, because in the end it will just be harder on both of you. I wish you all the best of luck, I know you can do it- you’re great parents!!!

How Not to Negotiate with a Toddler

Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate…when you are dealing with a toddler, this is their main means of attack- wear down the parental units until they achieve what they desire (plus any additional goodies that they now require to calm themselves down from a self-induced tantrum). What is most infuriating about getting sucked into these situations is that they are easily preventable! So let’s put some well-known words of wisdom to good use and, “pick and choose our battles.”

For children, there is nothing more upsetting than having something (that they perceived to be theirs) taken away. So knowing this, let’s not put ourselves in the position of having to take something away, but instead only offer options that we are willing to provide. I know that I have briefly mentioned this in past posts, but it is so important that I figured it would be a wise idea to further expand on this idea. A  good example that quickly comes to mind, is trying to placate a screaming child by promising things that you know you might not be able to follow through with. If you are in this situation, take a moment to think about which tantrum you would rather deal with: the one you are in right now, or a future one that could quite possibly be worse.  Children will eventually cry to the point of exhaustion or scream until their vocal chords will not allow them to scream any longer. So you can either wait them out, or devise a fail-safe plan to alleviate the situation. Being the negotiators that they are, children are always willing to accept a bribe, so try to make it one that is interesting enough to get their attention, but simple enough that you do not need to spend a lot of money or promise them ice cream for a week.

I realize that some children are easier than others, so you need to observe your child and see what it is that they highly prize. For some kids, it can be as easy as promising them an extra book before bedtime, and for others is could be a special bike ride that just the two of you take (or it could be playing monster trucks or princess dolls for hours- the choice is yours). Just make sure that you follow through with your decision, otherwise they will realize that your promises are empty and they will throw a longer and more difficult tantrum the next time. Remember that your child is smart and they will figure you out. They know that if you say you will put them on time out, take away their toys, or make their bedtime earlier they are in trouble…but they will only feel the effects of the punishment when you follow through. If you threaten to do something, but do not actually do it, you are training your child to believe that they are capable of getting away with bad behavior.  Please do not be that parent. Take the time, make the effort and follow through with your choices. This is how your child will learn where the boundaries lie and just how far they can push them (and hopefully you don’t let your child push them too far).

So to simplify, here are the pointers that I believe you should be taking away from this post:

·         Always follow through with what you tell your child- so make sure it is a promise you can keep

·         Observe activities or interests that your child particularly enjoys, so you can use it as a means to redirect unwanted behavior (and once again- make sure it is something you will not mind doing, or it is unlikely that you will stick to your word)

·         Be consistent in your actions – if you do not follow through (even a few times) your child (much like a predator, haha!) will detect your weakness and strike again. In other words,  if they don’t see the boundary they will assume you don’t either

·         Try NOT to negotiate with a toddler, because 9 times out of 10 they will win – instead, try to prevent negotiating situations by providing them with two options (both of which you have already approved, and both that are appealing to your child)

I hope some of this information helped, and if not, just let me know and I’m sure I can rustle up some more ideas for you! Keep up the good work, parents!

Rewarding Behavior

Everyone needs a little motivation now and then, but when do small rewards turn into enabling gifts? It is very hard to draw the line with children between what they are and are not allowed to have. As a parent, you want to give your child the world, but you know that doing so may result in an overly spoiled and perhaps, ungrateful child. So lets take a look at a couple simple ideas for how to best reward and praise your child without creating a greedy goblin.
(By the way, I like alliteration- I hope you do too! And no, I do not believe children really behave like goblins, I just thought it was a funny mental picture that accurately alluded to "greedy" behavior).

Enough with small talk, lets get started, shall we? Has anyone ever heard of a Motivational Calendar? If you have- brownie points for you! And if not, I am more than happy to share. Motivational calendars are visual cues for children that help them gauge their behavior (on a daily basis) and show them how it will affect their free time. You can use stickers, stamps, tattoos, or just draw on smiley faces or stars - but the BIG idea is to let your child know how you think their day went. To make this moment more communal, I would suggest asking your child how they think their day went and if they think they should earn a reward point. This allows them to reflect back on their day, their behavior, and their interactions while allowing them to problem solve issues they may have faced.
*If your child did not have a stellar day, but they showed genuine regret for their behavior or if they can explain how they should handle a situation in the future, I would play the Nice Parent role and give them a reward. It is a motivational calendar, after all- so motivate 'em!
At the end of each week, you and your child can count up their reward points together and choose from a list that you pre-approved of fun activities for you two do! This is probably one of the easiest and most fun ways to keep your child focused on demonstrating good behavior- but as with all things, this idea is not perfect and depending on your child, you may be met with resistance. So, lets explore some more options!

If your child is one for immediate results, then a motivational calendar might not be best suited for him or her. Instead, you need to find something inexpensive that will help them realize the connection between their good behavior and a Simple Reward. For children at my work, I use lotion as a quick means to motivate and redirect my kids. For the girls, it's "Princess Lotion" and for the boys its just "The Purple Stuff." I always have on hand a travel size bottle of Johnson & Johnson's Melt Away Stress Lavender & Chamomile Lotion (I promise this is not a shameless plug, its just what I have been using for several years now). The kids like the lotion because it's purple in color and it smells amazing! I also like that it is gentle on their skin since some of the children have eczema and other skin irritations, so it's perfect!
Anyway, all I have to do is ask the children to clean-up, line-up, go potty, brush their teeth, etc. and if they seem distracted, I offered a small dollop of lotion. It works like a charm! And it creates much less of a mess than handing out individual stickers to young children (because those stickers usually end up in their mouths or on the floor within a thirty minute period). The main idea of this type of motivation is to find something simple that will trigger an instant response in your child, while not being something that is extravagant enough from them to launch into hysterical, tantrum-like behavior over. Take some time to think it over, watch your child and see what they really like (lip balm, lotion, or hand sanitizer-my kids like this one too!).
VERY IMPORTANT: Please, please, please do NOT use food as a motivational reward. You do not want your child to grow up thinking that junk food, candy, sweets, or any meal should be a reward. This can actually end up creating eating disorders and promote unhealthy eating habits (and even promote over-eating) in children. So please be careful when you think you want to give your child a food item as a treat for good behavior.

As always, take the time to think about what will work best for your child before you dive in head first. You know your child inside and out and I'm pretty sure you already have a good idea about which of these options will be the best bet for your child. Also, please remember that learning opportunities are not possible without the presence of failure, so allow your child to make mistakes and try not to get too upset if things don't pan out immediately. Keep up the good work all you marvelous parents! Until next time...

"Good" Grief.

Since I work with children whose parents are in the military, I thought it would be fitting to have a post about helping children deal with the temporary loss of a parent (whether it be while they are on deployment, away on business, during a trial separation, divorce, etc.).
           
Children, just like adults, cope with separation and grief differently.  Just because they are younger, we should not expect them to not realize that a person who plays a very significant role in their life is not present. Although they may not realize their absence at first, children will always figure it out. And believe me, they are smart enough to be upset with you for not telling them! It is important to prepare your child for what is going to come so that the proverbial rug is not pulled from under them. No matter what their age, it is crucial that you at least try to communicate the idea of their mom or dad not being around for awhile.
           
In my classroom, one family was frantically trying to prepare their little girl for her mother’s upcoming departure. Aside from telling her every night that “Mommy is going to go on a long trip on her big boat,” they also read her books and showed her pictures of where she would be travelling; but this is not all that they did. In addition, she made voice recordings and personalized videos, found books that allowed her to record herself reading the story, and purchased stuffed pillow dolls with a picture of her on one side. I believe that all of these are wonderful and creative ideas to help ease the burden of temporarily losing a loved one.
           
Although all of these ideas are wonderful and help alleviate stress over time, there is no denying that one of my “babies” is definitely going through a difficult time right now. What helps me better deal with her burgeoning difficult behavior, however, is knowing where her actions are stemming from. Here are some signs to look for when your child is dealing with separation anxiety and is unable to adequately articulate their emotions:

·         Withdrawn/ listless or Overly hyperactive

·         Extremes in emotional behavior

·         Excessively needy and/or clingy

·         More frequent tantrums

·         Loss of appetite or lack of sleep

·         Inability to function in regular social settings

·         Physical outbursts/ violence toward another person/child 

           
I realize that it may be difficult in the beginning, but my best advice is to prepare your child for what their days are going to be like until their other parent comes home. Children need a routine and they need to know that at some point, mommy or daddy will return. So give them a schedule, build them a routine, and make a chart so they can visualize what their days will look like. I also suggest making a paper chain (with a link for each day that their parent will be away) so that they have a physical reminder that this absence is not permanent. I’m sure they would also have a ton of fun helping you make it, and even more fun ripping a link off each day!
           
Also know that it is okay to show your child how you are feeling. You don’t have to be an unyielding rock, you’re allowed to be sad, frustrated, and overwhelmed- it happens! What is important, however, is for your child to see how you deal with your emotions. Be the best example for your child by showing them proper ways to cope with their frustration and unhappiness. Here are some helpful tips to try:

·         Get outside! Take a walk, go on a hike, go to the lake/ beach, go swimming- just be active. It helps promote the production of endorphins and they are a naturally occurring feel-good chemical, so show your child how to put ‘em to good use!

·         Try mediation or find a quiet space. Build a spot where you and your child can go when you need to be alone with your thoughts.

·         Write in a journal (or for your child who is most likely not yet capable of writing- draw or paint). This can be very introspective as well as calming. The repetition of your hand movements and the refocusing of your attention to something positive will help to redirect your emotions.

·         Volunteer! It’s a very well-known fact that helping others has positive effects on your own health and self-esteem. Being a positive person in someone else’s life or contributing to your community will give you a better outlook (and teach your child the importance of helping others).

·         Find a hobby that allows you to meet new people and have fun experiences! You just might meet someone who is in the same boat as you, and there is nothing better than finding a person who is empathetic to your present position.

           
What is most important, however, is to realize that this will not last forever, and everything will eventually return to normal. Have faith in yourself as a parent and trust your instincts when it comes to your child. My suggestions are just that, suggestions. At the end of the day, no one knows your child better than you- so put all of that wonderful knowledge to work to help ease both of you through a difficult transition! I know you can do it!

Redirection, the New Discipline?

While working at my CDC (Child Development Center) I have been implementing techniques approved by the U.S. Navy for the children in our care. One major protocol that has been in place for the past several years has been a little technique called, "redirection," and let me tell you - it is definitely not my personal favorite!


In order for you to understand what I do not like about redirection, I should probably let you know what it specifically entails. Redirection is a technique that is used to (obviously) redirect a child when they are demonstrating a behavior of which you do not approve (i.e. hitting, screaming, pushing, not sharing, etc.). In theory, this should be a great technique- you are only using positive guidance, you are keeping the situation calm and demonstrating swift mastery over your child's undesired behavior...sounds good, right? I thought so, until I tried (repeatedly) to redirect a child whose only desire was to hit other children over the head with dense wooden blocks. At that point, I had to try a different and more effective technique- approach the problem head-on. 


With children, if you ignore their behavior, good or bad, they will repeat it. Those sweet little words of wisdom telling adults to ignore a child's poor behavior thereby forcing them to stop their attention-getting behavior, is not always accurate. It depends on the child- it always depends on the child.


For some children receiving attention, be it positive or negative, is crucial to their existence. They need to feed off of your response and they need to see a reaction in order to gage their perceived level of importance. If your child sounds like they fit this description, then it would probably work in your favor to ignore their negative outbursts and focus solely (and enthusiastically) on their positive efforts. But for those whose children seem unaffected by your lack of attention or excessive happiness at their successes, a firm hand is needed. And by "hand" I'm not talking about physical force or child abuse, I mean a firm voice, strong body posture, and consistent consequences.


Raising children is not an easy job, and disciplining them can be even harder, especially when you are tired of being the bad guy. But realize that those certain moments when you are given the opportunity to let their behavior slide or follow through with a specific punishment (I'll go over that later), consistency will always be the right choice. If nothing else, your child needs you to be consistent, otherwise they will constantly test you to find out just where their boundaries are drawn. I know it may not be easy, and you might not always want to do it, but think about yourself and decide if you want to spend a couple nights out of the week (for several weeks to a couple months) preventing and correcting your child's behavior, or a lifetime of on-going battles with your child. In comparison, the time you put in now will more than make up for itself later. When your child knows what they can and cannot get away with, they will grow less and less likely to push the envelope. It will take time, but I know you can do it. Be the best parent you can be, and do it for you and your child.


Discipline Tips
*I realize that the wording sounds uncomfortable and you don't necessarily want to "discipline" your child, but these tips will help you calm your child down and help prevent future meltdowns when applied consistently.

• Get down on their level, look them in the eye (if they will not look at you, gently cup your hands around the sides of their eyes, giving them nothing else to look at but you), and firmly tell them what you do not want them to do in as few words as possible. Then tell them what you want them to do instead.

Example: "Your hands are not for hitting, I don't like it. Use your nice touches to give him/her a hug."

• Simple and easy, tell them what they did that you did not like and give them a time-out (remove them from the area where they were playing- but do not put them in their room, all their toys are there!). The time-out should only last for as many minutes as they are old.

Example: Your two-year-old has been throwing his/her toys all day, and just broke one. Tell him/her, "I don't like it when you throw your toys, it makes me sad. Lets go sit down together until you can show me how we should treat our things." Since the child is two, make their time-out last two minutes.

• If your child is one for having fits, find a quick and simple distraction that works for them. What I have found to be most helpful is finger play songs. Having them sing a song that involves counting allows them to focus on something else and get their emotions under control.

Example: I worked with a child who was on the Autism spectrum and his outbursts were severe and very frequent. The song that worked best to help calm him down is, "One Little Penny." It's very simple and goes like this, "One little, two little, three little pennies. Four little, five little, six little pennies. Seven little, eight little, nine little pennies. Ten little pennies for me!" It usually took me several verses to get him to calm down, but once he did he could sing the song with me. I've also noticed that repetitive motion really works, so try to rock them or rub their back or encourage to clap their hands or stomp their feet.

• If your child is just an easy-going little person and all it takes is a quick and simple "no," then you are blessed! I'm just kidding. But really, if this is all it takes to get your child to stop an action or behavior that you do not like, than positive redirection is probably your best bet.

Example: Your child is drawing at the kitchen table, and you soon realize that they are no longer only drawing on their paper. In this situation (assuming they are a good listener and really mellow) just tell them, "We do not draw on the table, that is why you have your nice drawing paper," as you readjust their paper in front of them and switch from markers to crayons.


The best advice I can give is to figure out what type of reaction your child best responds to, and build your basic discipline structure around their personality. You know if your child needs to be removed from the situation or if a verbal warning will suffice. Just make sure that you and whoever else is taking care of your child are on the same page, there is nothing more confusing to a child than inconsistency.

Sensory Experiences

As if you hadn't noticed already, but I'll bring it up anyway, children love, love, LOVE to participate in hands-on, tactile activities. Sensory experiences are what young children are all about, so here's your chance to give them what they need to develop their maturing senses!


What is so wonderful about children is the same thing that can make them difficult - they are curious and explorative. Knowing this, we can devise learning experiences for them that allows them to explore and investigate. One of the best ways to keep your home clean (or clean-er) while providing your child with the opportunity to gain new sensory experiences is to use a sensory table. If you don't have the room or the monetary means to purchase one (because Lakeshore can be a tad expensive), I recommend a large, rectangular plastic bin. With this you have only the limits of your imagination to help guide you toward fun things with which to fill your sensory table.


Fun Ideas for Sensory Table Fillers

• Water with food coloring
• Sand (or molding sand, for a different texture)
• Dried coffee grounds
• Cake mix
• Cotton Balls, Q-Tips, and Tissue Paper
• Uncooked rice
• Uncooked pasta
• Uncooked oatmeal
• Or anything else that is safe and your child shows interest in!

*If you are beginning to notice a pattern (everyday household items) it's because children are curious about items that they are familiar with, but are not usually given the opportunity to play with or explore.


Anytime that you fill your sensory table, make sure to give your child manipulatives to encourage longer and more interactive play- I would recommend measuring cups, spoons, and plastics cups. Also, if your child really enjoys water play, give them items that need a little loving and add soap to the water to give those items a "bath." Children, I've noticed, really enjoy washing their play dishes and silverware as well as their baby dolls. If you decide to go this route, add in items that you use to clean (i.e. a sponge for the dishes or a loofa and a washcloth for the dolls).


When it comes to your child, the sky is the limit, so use your imagination (and get their input) to create a fun, innovative, and enriching learning experince.

Thank You Erikson

For me, there is no better developmental psychologist than Erik Erikson. His theories on psychosocial development, from birth to death, accurately encompass my own beliefs more than any other theorist. Looking at his second stage of psychosocial development, Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt, toddlers thoughts, actions, and perceptions of the world are largely based on their internal struggle to become independent individuals.

Knowing this, I feel that it is easier for me to become less frustrated by the "Terrible Twos," and more willing to listen to them during their fits of obstinance. They want to be their own person, they want to be a grown-up, they want to be like you - so allow them the opportunity to practice. Give them tasks that they see you accomplish on a daily basis. If they see you sweeping the kitchen and they want to help, buy them a small broom and dustpan and designate them as the Official Kitchen Sweeper. As ridiculous as it may seem, kids want the responsibility! So approach them as though they are going to be given the most important duty in the entire household, and watch as they impress you with their burgeoning fine motor skills.

As challenging as it may seem, the easiest way to deal with a toddler is to pick and choose your battles. These are growing individuals who crave attention and acknowledgement, so we need to realize that (some of) their tantrums are their personal cries for (limited) freedom and independence. Keep in mind that although children think they would love to run free, they subconsciously desire boundaries. Boundaries make children feel safe and loved. So create an environment that allows them to test the boundaries, but not cross them. Give them the freedom to make their own choices, but limit their choices only to options that you have already approved.

If you have any thoughts or ideas, please feel free to share! We are all here to help each other.