"Good" Grief.

Since I work with children whose parents are in the military, I thought it would be fitting to have a post about helping children deal with the temporary loss of a parent (whether it be while they are on deployment, away on business, during a trial separation, divorce, etc.).
           
Children, just like adults, cope with separation and grief differently.  Just because they are younger, we should not expect them to not realize that a person who plays a very significant role in their life is not present. Although they may not realize their absence at first, children will always figure it out. And believe me, they are smart enough to be upset with you for not telling them! It is important to prepare your child for what is going to come so that the proverbial rug is not pulled from under them. No matter what their age, it is crucial that you at least try to communicate the idea of their mom or dad not being around for awhile.
           
In my classroom, one family was frantically trying to prepare their little girl for her mother’s upcoming departure. Aside from telling her every night that “Mommy is going to go on a long trip on her big boat,” they also read her books and showed her pictures of where she would be travelling; but this is not all that they did. In addition, she made voice recordings and personalized videos, found books that allowed her to record herself reading the story, and purchased stuffed pillow dolls with a picture of her on one side. I believe that all of these are wonderful and creative ideas to help ease the burden of temporarily losing a loved one.
           
Although all of these ideas are wonderful and help alleviate stress over time, there is no denying that one of my “babies” is definitely going through a difficult time right now. What helps me better deal with her burgeoning difficult behavior, however, is knowing where her actions are stemming from. Here are some signs to look for when your child is dealing with separation anxiety and is unable to adequately articulate their emotions:

·         Withdrawn/ listless or Overly hyperactive

·         Extremes in emotional behavior

·         Excessively needy and/or clingy

·         More frequent tantrums

·         Loss of appetite or lack of sleep

·         Inability to function in regular social settings

·         Physical outbursts/ violence toward another person/child 

           
I realize that it may be difficult in the beginning, but my best advice is to prepare your child for what their days are going to be like until their other parent comes home. Children need a routine and they need to know that at some point, mommy or daddy will return. So give them a schedule, build them a routine, and make a chart so they can visualize what their days will look like. I also suggest making a paper chain (with a link for each day that their parent will be away) so that they have a physical reminder that this absence is not permanent. I’m sure they would also have a ton of fun helping you make it, and even more fun ripping a link off each day!
           
Also know that it is okay to show your child how you are feeling. You don’t have to be an unyielding rock, you’re allowed to be sad, frustrated, and overwhelmed- it happens! What is important, however, is for your child to see how you deal with your emotions. Be the best example for your child by showing them proper ways to cope with their frustration and unhappiness. Here are some helpful tips to try:

·         Get outside! Take a walk, go on a hike, go to the lake/ beach, go swimming- just be active. It helps promote the production of endorphins and they are a naturally occurring feel-good chemical, so show your child how to put ‘em to good use!

·         Try mediation or find a quiet space. Build a spot where you and your child can go when you need to be alone with your thoughts.

·         Write in a journal (or for your child who is most likely not yet capable of writing- draw or paint). This can be very introspective as well as calming. The repetition of your hand movements and the refocusing of your attention to something positive will help to redirect your emotions.

·         Volunteer! It’s a very well-known fact that helping others has positive effects on your own health and self-esteem. Being a positive person in someone else’s life or contributing to your community will give you a better outlook (and teach your child the importance of helping others).

·         Find a hobby that allows you to meet new people and have fun experiences! You just might meet someone who is in the same boat as you, and there is nothing better than finding a person who is empathetic to your present position.

           
What is most important, however, is to realize that this will not last forever, and everything will eventually return to normal. Have faith in yourself as a parent and trust your instincts when it comes to your child. My suggestions are just that, suggestions. At the end of the day, no one knows your child better than you- so put all of that wonderful knowledge to work to help ease both of you through a difficult transition! I know you can do it!