While working at my CDC (Child Development Center) I have been implementing techniques approved by the U.S. Navy for the children in our care. One major protocol that has been in place for the past several years has been a little technique called, "redirection," and let me tell you - it is definitely not my personal favorite!
In order for you to understand what I do not like about redirection, I should probably let you know what it specifically entails. Redirection is a technique that is used to (obviously) redirect a child when they are demonstrating a behavior of which you do not approve (i.e. hitting, screaming, pushing, not sharing, etc.). In theory, this should be a great technique- you are only using positive guidance, you are keeping the situation calm and demonstrating swift mastery over your child's undesired behavior...sounds good, right? I thought so, until I tried (repeatedly) to redirect a child whose only desire was to hit other children over the head with dense wooden blocks. At that point, I had to try a different and more effective technique- approach the problem head-on.
With children, if you ignore their behavior, good or bad, they will repeat it. Those sweet little words of wisdom telling adults to ignore a child's poor behavior thereby forcing them to stop their attention-getting behavior, is not always accurate. It depends on the child- it always depends on the child.
For some children receiving attention, be it positive or negative, is crucial to their existence. They need to feed off of your response and they need to see a reaction in order to gage their perceived level of importance. If your child sounds like they fit this description, then it would probably work in your favor to ignore their negative outbursts and focus solely (and enthusiastically) on their positive efforts. But for those whose children seem unaffected by your lack of attention or excessive happiness at their successes, a firm hand is needed. And by "hand" I'm not talking about physical force or child abuse, I mean a firm voice, strong body posture, and consistent consequences.
Raising children is not an easy job, and disciplining them can be even harder, especially when you are tired of being the bad guy. But realize that those certain moments when you are given the opportunity to let their behavior slide or follow through with a specific punishment (I'll go over that later), consistency will always be the right choice. If nothing else, your child needs you to be consistent, otherwise they will constantly test you to find out just where their boundaries are drawn. I know it may not be easy, and you might not always want to do it, but think about yourself and decide if you want to spend a couple nights out of the week (for several weeks to a couple months) preventing and correcting your child's behavior, or a lifetime of on-going battles with your child. In comparison, the time you put in now will more than make up for itself later. When your child knows what they can and cannot get away with, they will grow less and less likely to push the envelope. It will take time, but I know you can do it. Be the best parent you can be, and do it for you and your child.
Discipline Tips
*I realize that the wording sounds uncomfortable and you don't necessarily want to "discipline" your child, but these tips will help you calm your child down and help prevent future meltdowns when applied consistently.
- Get down on their level, look them in the eye (if they will not look at you, gently cup your hands around the sides of their eyes, giving them nothing else to look at but you), and firmly tell them what you do not want them to do in as few words as possible. Then tell them what you want them to do instead.
Example: "Your hands are not for hitting, I don't like it. Use your nice touches to give him/her a hug."
- Simple and easy, tell them what they did that you did not like and give them a time-out (remove them from the area where they were playing- but do not put them in their room, all their toys are there!). The time-out should only last for as many minutes as they are old.
Example: Your two-year-old has been throwing his/her toys all day, and just broke one. Tell him/her, "I don't like it when you throw your toys, it makes me sad. Lets go sit down together until you can show me how we should treat our things." Since the child is two, make their time-out last two minutes.
- If your child is one for having fits, find a quick and simple distraction that works for them. What I have found to be most helpful is finger play songs. Having them sing a song that involves counting allows them to focus on something else and get their emotions under control.
Example: I worked with a child who was on the Autism spectrum and his outbursts were severe and very frequent. The song that worked best to help calm him down is, "One Little Penny." It's very simple and goes like this, "One little, two little, three little pennies. Four little, five little, six little pennies. Seven little, eight little, nine little pennies. Ten little pennies for me!" It usually took me several verses to get him to calm down, but once he did he could sing the song with me. I've also noticed that repetitive motion really works, so try to rock them or rub their back or encourage to clap their hands or stomp their feet.
- If your child is just an easy-going little person and all it takes is a quick and simple "no," then you are blessed! I'm just kidding. But really, if this is all it takes to get your child to stop an action or behavior that you do not like, than positive redirection is probably your best bet.
Example: Your child is drawing at the kitchen table, and you soon realize that they are no longer only drawing on their paper. In this situation (assuming they are a good listener and really mellow) just tell them, "We do not draw on the table, that is why you have your nice drawing paper," as you readjust their paper in front of them and switch from markers to crayons.
The best advice I can give is to figure out what type of reaction your child best responds to, and build your basic discipline structure around their personality. You know if your child needs to be removed from the situation or if a verbal warning will suffice. Just make sure that you and whoever else is taking care of your child are on the same page, there is nothing more confusing to a child than inconsistency.
As if you hadn't noticed already, but I'll bring it up anyway, children love, love, LOVE to participate in hands-on, tactile activities. Sensory experiences are what young children are all about, so here's your chance to give them what they need to develop their maturing senses!
What is so wonderful about children is the same thing that can make them difficult - they are curious and explorative. Knowing this, we can devise learning experiences for them that allows them to explore and investigate. One of the best ways to keep your home clean (or clean-er) while providing your child with the opportunity to gain new sensory experiences is to use a sensory table. If you don't have the room or the monetary means to purchase one (because Lakeshore can be a tad expensive), I recommend a large, rectangular plastic bin. With this you have only the limits of your imagination to help guide you toward fun things with which to fill your sensory table.
Fun Ideas for Sensory Table Fillers
- Water with food coloring
- Sand (or molding sand, for a different texture)
- Dried coffee grounds
- Cake mix
- Cotton Balls, Q-Tips, and Tissue Paper
- Uncooked rice
- Uncooked pasta
- Uncooked oatmeal
- Or anything else that is safe and your child shows interest in!
*If you are beginning to notice a pattern (everyday household items) it's because children are curious about items that they are familiar with, but are not usually given the opportunity to play with or explore.
Anytime that you fill your sensory table, make sure to give your child manipulatives to encourage longer and more interactive play- I would recommend measuring cups, spoons, and plastics cups. Also, if your child really enjoys water play, give them items that need a little loving and add soap to the water to give those items a "bath." Children, I've noticed, really enjoy washing their play dishes and silverware as well as their baby dolls. If you decide to go this route, add in items that you use to clean (i.e. a sponge for the dishes or a loofa and a washcloth for the dolls).
When it comes to your child, the sky is the limit, so use your imagination (and get their input) to create a fun, innovative, and enriching learning experince.
For me, there is no better developmental psychologist than Erik Erikson. His theories on psychosocial development, from birth to death, accurately encompass my own beliefs more than any other theorist. Looking at his second stage of psychosocial development, Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt, toddlers thoughts, actions, and perceptions of the world are largely based on their internal struggle to become independent individuals.
Knowing this, I feel that it is easier for me to become less frustrated by the "Terrible Twos," and more willing to listen to them during their fits of obstinance. They want to be their own person, they want to be a grown-up, they want to be like you - so allow them the opportunity to practice. Give them tasks that they see you accomplish on a daily basis. If they see you sweeping the kitchen and they want to help, buy them a small broom and dustpan and designate them as the Official Kitchen Sweeper. As ridiculous as it may seem, kids want the responsibility! So approach them as though they are going to be given the most important duty in the entire household, and watch as they impress you with their burgeoning fine motor skills.
As challenging as it may seem, the easiest way to deal with a toddler is to pick and choose your battles. These are growing individuals who crave attention and acknowledgement, so we need to realize that (some of) their tantrums are their personal cries for (limited) freedom and independence. Keep in mind that although children think they would love to run free, they subconsciously desire boundaries. Boundaries make children feel safe and loved. So create an environment that allows them to test the boundaries, but not cross them. Give them the freedom to make their own choices, but limit their choices only to options that you have already approved.
If you have any thoughts or ideas, please feel free to share! We are all here to help each other.
Since we are coming upon the weekend, I feel that it is pertinent to talk about fun weekend activities to do with your family. Growing up in a family of five with two younger brothers and athletic parents, most of my summers were spent outdoors. Fortunately for me, I enjoyed these adventures and still find fun and relaxation in nature.
In childhood, there are no moments more influential than those spent with the ones we love. If you can use this precious time to help your child foster a love and respect of nature, family, and exercise you have the opportunity to help influence the life choices they will make down the road. So the next time you are trying to come up with a great family outing for your weekend, think of your local recreational activities and go from there!
My family loved to go to our local lake and rent paddle boats, feed the ducks, play catch, ride our bicycles and roller-blade. When I was searching on the internet I came across a site that had a list of (literally 100) suggestions of fun and cheap things to do with your kids. Because I don't believe I could recreate a similar list of ideas, I thought it more than fitting to give credit to this lovely site by linking it directly onto this post (althought it is also a link on my blog!).
Please check out these great ideas and give them a try! Enjoy :)
http://zenhabits.net/100-ways-to-have-fun-with-your-kids-for/
When was the last time you took a break and spent some quality time with your child; was it today, yesterday, or maybe last weekend? It's okay, it happens, but what might surprise you is that these moments do not have to take up an entire day in order to qualify themselves as special or meaningful experiences for your child. Think back to your childhood, what memories evoke the most emotion, the most joy, and the most sentiment...sure, a day at Disneyland could be at the top of your list, or maybe a camping trip or long vacation, but in reality we remember specific moments. But more often, we remember the feeling that we gained in that small lapse of time, and that is what you should strive to create for your child.
Get Involved
The next time you are getting ready to make dinner, ask them to be a helper. Maybe they can come up with a side dish, help you set the table, or even mix a salad. The point is to get them involved in an everyday activity that will help them feel connected to you, as well as foster their independence and burgeoning fine motor skills (the definition of Fine Motor Skills as it applies to this scenario would be the child's ability to control the movement of their fingers, hands, and wrists).
Read to them! This seemingly simple and all-to-often overlooked pastime has continually proven to show many positive benefits. Not only will you help their growing self-esteem by showing an interest in books that they find enjoyable, but you will help them in their early language development, as well as promote reading as a fun and favorable hobby in their future. Learning to read should be fun and inviting, this is your chance to help prepare your child for their future as a student, so make the most of it! Do silly voices, wear costumes, get multiple readers involved- help set the tone for the the rest of your child's academic life (no pressure!). But really, if you make it a routine and make it fun, your child will learn to love reading. This can, in turn, help them to become a better student in the future. If you teach them that there is joy in learning, your child just might take your lead.
Make it FUN!
No one ever said chores had to be boring, so why do we make them seem like pure drudgery? Children are easily affected by your mood and by the manner and tone in which you ask things of them. If you tell you child, "Go brush your teeth" or "Clean your room," odds are you might get met with resistance the majority of the time. Having much experience in this area, I have always found (silly as it may be) songs to be a great help. Do they have to make perfect sense? No! Do you sometimes sounds ridiculous as your singing quick, made-up, non-rhyming verses to your child? Absolutely! But it's not us that we are worried about, it's our children. So make it fun. I know you can do it!
If this does not seem to be up your alley, just remember that children respond to positive and inviting suggestions. If they are simply told to do something that they did not want to do to begin with, they most likely will reject your statement and work their way into a tantrum. My well-researched and often applied strategy is to use their enthusiasm and naivety to your advantage. We want to make everyday routines smooth and enjoyable, so give it a shot and I promise you will find your daily routine less hectic and more relaxing.
Thoughtful Reminder...
In keeping with this trend of making things easier, let me just say that the most simple addition you can add to your parenting repertoire (if it's not in there already) is to limit your child's options to choices that you are willing to take on. Children need boundaries and they need consistency, so if you want to allow them to choose what is for dinner, for example, give them several options (all of which you have already approved). If this is not done, there is quite a large possibility that your child might request chocolate pizza for dinner, and when their request is met with disapproval they will more than likely rebel. And at the end of the day, no one wants to deal with a hysterical toddler, so pick and choose your battles... that way you will have already won.
Perhaps I'm the only one that's noticed that Mayberry is getting further and further away with each progressive electronic device that is made. Now that our lives have become cluttered with so many options, we have become more focused upon superficial items that should be holding less value than our meaningful relationships. And what relationship is more important, more fragile, and more all-consuming than that between a parent and a child?
In my day job I am the primary caregiver to fourteen two-year-olds (which may or may not sound like a nightmare, depending on your comfort level with young children) and I see on a daily basis just how overwhelming it can be to have a full-time job and be a full-time parent. There have been times when, to pacify an antsy toddler, I've had parents hand their child their iPhone or Blackberry to play with while they sign them out; and it never fails to amaze me that my two-year-olds are capable of working these devices better than most adults! This just proves to me how intelligent, curious, and capable these children are. Knowing that they have so much potential, parents should really take advantage of their children's capabilities and turn it into fun family games, thereby creating memorable moments. Use what you have and exhaust all your resources before you feel like you have to go out and spend money to entertain your child. All your child (children) really want is to spend quality time with you, so give them what they want....your full and undivided love, affection, and attention!
I want to create a movement, to summon a change, and to call upon all of you working and stay-at-home parents to challenge yourselves to enrich your relationship with your children. I know it may not be easy, and I know you will get tired or frustrated (because after all, children are very hard-headed and determined in early childhood), but the rewards will far surpass the setbacks. If you want to join a community of devoted dads and marvelous moms, then let us unite and share our wealth of wisdom with others! Please join me on this ride, I know we can make it a fun one!
