For me, there is no better developmental psychologist than Erik Erikson. His theories on psychosocial development, from birth to death, accurately encompass my own beliefs more than any other theorist. Looking at his second stage of psychosocial development, Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt, toddlers thoughts, actions, and perceptions of the world are largely based on their internal struggle to become independent individuals.
Knowing this, I feel that it is easier for me to become less frustrated by the "Terrible Twos," and more willing to listen to them during their fits of obstinance. They want to be their own person, they want to be a grown-up, they want to be like you - so allow them the opportunity to practice. Give them tasks that they see you accomplish on a daily basis. If they see you sweeping the kitchen and they want to help, buy them a small broom and dustpan and designate them as the Official Kitchen Sweeper. As ridiculous as it may seem, kids want the responsibility! So approach them as though they are going to be given the most important duty in the entire household, and watch as they impress you with their burgeoning fine motor skills.
As challenging as it may seem, the easiest way to deal with a toddler is to pick and choose your battles. These are growing individuals who crave attention and acknowledgement, so we need to realize that (some of) their tantrums are their personal cries for (limited) freedom and independence. Keep in mind that although children think they would love to run free, they subconsciously desire boundaries. Boundaries make children feel safe and loved. So create an environment that allows them to test the boundaries, but not cross them. Give them the freedom to make their own choices, but limit their choices only to options that you have already approved.
If you have any thoughts or ideas, please feel free to share! We are all here to help each other.
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